Sunday, January 14, 2007
I should know by now
I have always been strong. No one saw me cry, I never let them, and if they do. They have to move on. They know I will.
Here's a letter written by Peter Pan to his Tinkerbell
I'll never forget that first time I saw you fly out of the double doored hole in the oak tree. You were so spirited and pre-occupied you barely noticed me. I was waiting for the lost boys then and I just happened to stumble upon you. The very busy little musical fairy. You didn't even look at me when you suddly flew past my foot and sprinkled it with your fairy dust. I smiled when you did and I saw my feet fly. Here, I knew, I was going to be head over heels for you.
After a while, which was really just 5 minutes., I found out you were meeting with one of the Lost Boys. I was happy and fluttered. You weren't talking but your little bells were ringing and you looked at me with those little eyes and held out your hand. Knowing that sprites and fairies didn't talk, my littlest Lost Boy did it for you but when he was about to open his mouth, you flew to my nose and said, "Hi, my name is Tinkerbell. What's yours?" And I smiled again. Now my lips flew again.
"I'm Peter." I answered, "Peter Pan."
After that, I couldn't remember. We shared times of fun over and over again. We spoke of the littlest things and the biggest things as well. You taught me of the fairies and their music. I taught you of the world and its mysteries. We shared our lives with each other in Neverland and somehow, eternal youth became sweeter.
Until one day, under the moon and the cathedral over at Silent Pirate's cove, when we were laying underneath the sky you flew to my face and danced on my nose once more.
"What's the matter Tinkerbell?" I asked, rubbing your head with the tip of my finger.
"Nothing." you answered as you shook your head. "I just want to teach you something."
I got up and smiled, "Then teach me Tink! I want to learn more about you." I was excited. What more could she tell me?
"Close your eyes and count to ten." you smiled as took my thumb and dancedon my palm. I did what you said. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I could hear you talking, "Think of the happiest thoughts, only the happiest of thoughts Peter and you'll learn." you left my palm and flew to my head. You rested on the top and showered me with your pixie dust again. "Now count...1 to ten."
I nodded, "One...two...ten..."
After a while, I couldn't feel the ground and only soft clouds. I wanted to open my eyes but you said to wait a little more time.
"You won't learn if you're not patient." you teased, and you reminded me that I cheated on the counting. I just nodded again and spread my arms, as you flew underneath them.
"Now Peter, look and see." whispered you to me, "This is how you make me feel everyday."
I opened my eyes and no words came out. I could see Neverland! Not under a tree, not on horses or through little bees, but high up above like some great Condor! Tinkerbell, you taught me to fly and many more.
Eversince that day, we danced on clouds. WE shared the world together, went on adventrues together and were happy together. Now I don't know what happened. I guess I spent to muchtime on Earth. The grown-ups caught me and taught me lessons and lessons. I didn't know their worth.
I became stupid, I forgot who I was. I didn't know I was Peter Pan and I left my Tinkerbell alone in the dark.
I tried to come back. Desperately, I did, but I guess it will take long before that happens again. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I want to be a Lost Boy again, a Peter Pan. Someway, somehow. To admit it would be my defeat, it would be the sign that I truly loved you, but that's what I want. I want you to know. I love you. Deeply. The things I said before everything, was true. The sweetness. The anger. The tears. Everything was true.
I've made me decision for a reason and I know you of all people understand it the most. We shared something that left a mark. The thought of you gone, it just hurts, but I have to move on. We talked about this, and I agreed, you agreed, we both agreed.
I know in time we both will forget about each other, but I want you to know. There are just some things that were not meant to be forgotten. The clouds in between my feet, your hand in mine. Though you were little Tinerbell, everything the you taught me wasn't.
You taught me to dream again, though yes we had times that we both forgot, but Tinkerbell, I want you to know..
I still love you..
A whole lot.
I'll be back, I promise, someway, somehow, but right now you can forget about me. Even if it will hurt me deeply and scar me. I can't hold you down.
Your spirit was made to fly. Away from oaks and saddening lullabies.
I love you Tinkerbell, please remember, but I think for now. Neverland will be a never.
Kim zzz...9:42 PM
slip into the night...
He Says, She Says
Lights will guide me home... I'm alright... I'll fix you...