Sunday, January 14, 2007
I should know by now
I have always been strong. No one saw me cry, I never let them, and if they do. They have to move on. They know I will.
Here's a letter written by Peter Pan to his Tinkerbell
I'll never forget that first time I saw you fly out of the double doored hole in the oak tree. You were so spirited and pre-occupied you barely noticed me. I was waiting for the lost boys then and I just happened to stumble upon you. The very busy little musical fairy. You didn't even look at me when you suddly flew past my foot and sprinkled it with your fairy dust. I smiled when you did and I saw my feet fly. Here, I knew, I was going to be head over heels for you.
After a while, which was really just 5 minutes., I found out you were meeting with one of the Lost Boys. I was happy and fluttered. You weren't talking but your little bells were ringing and you looked at me with those little eyes and held out your hand. Knowing that sprites and fairies didn't talk, my littlest Lost Boy did it for you but when he was about to open his mouth, you flew to my nose and said, "Hi, my name is Tinkerbell. What's yours?" And I smiled again. Now my lips flew again.
"I'm Peter." I answered, "Peter Pan."
After that, I couldn't remember. We shared times of fun over and over again. We spoke of the littlest things and the biggest things as well. You taught me of the fairies and their music. I taught you of the world and its mysteries. We shared our lives with each other in Neverland and somehow, eternal youth became sweeter.
Until one day, under the moon and the cathedral over at Silent Pirate's cove, when we were laying underneath the sky you flew to my face and danced on my nose once more.
"What's the matter Tinkerbell?" I asked, rubbing your head with the tip of my finger.
"Nothing." you answered as you shook your head. "I just want to teach you something."
I got up and smiled, "Then teach me Tink! I want to learn more about you." I was excited. What more could she tell me?
"Close your eyes and count to ten." you smiled as took my thumb and dancedon my palm. I did what you said. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I could hear you talking, "Think of the happiest thoughts, only the happiest of thoughts Peter and you'll learn." you left my palm and flew to my head. You rested on the top and showered me with your pixie dust again. "Now count...1 to ten."
I nodded, "One...two...ten..."
After a while, I couldn't feel the ground and only soft clouds. I wanted to open my eyes but you said to wait a little more time.
"You won't learn if you're not patient." you teased, and you reminded me that I cheated on the counting. I just nodded again and spread my arms, as you flew underneath them.
"Now Peter, look and see." whispered you to me, "This is how you make me feel everyday."
I opened my eyes and no words came out. I could see Neverland! Not under a tree, not on horses or through little bees, but high up above like some great Condor! Tinkerbell, you taught me to fly and many more.
Eversince that day, we danced on clouds. WE shared the world together, went on adventrues together and were happy together. Now I don't know what happened. I guess I spent to muchtime on Earth. The grown-ups caught me and taught me lessons and lessons. I didn't know their worth.
I became stupid, I forgot who I was. I didn't know I was Peter Pan and I left my Tinkerbell alone in the dark.
I tried to come back. Desperately, I did, but I guess it will take long before that happens again. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I want to be a Lost Boy again, a Peter Pan. Someway, somehow. To admit it would be my defeat, it would be the sign that I truly loved you, but that's what I want. I want you to know. I love you. Deeply. The things I said before everything, was true. The sweetness. The anger. The tears. Everything was true.
I've made me decision for a reason and I know you of all people understand it the most. We shared something that left a mark. The thought of you gone, it just hurts, but I have to move on. We talked about this, and I agreed, you agreed, we both agreed.
I know in time we both will forget about each other, but I want you to know. There are just some things that were not meant to be forgotten. The clouds in between my feet, your hand in mine. Though you were little Tinerbell, everything the you taught me wasn't.
You taught me to dream again, though yes we had times that we both forgot, but Tinkerbell, I want you to know..
I still love you..
A whole lot.
I'll be back, I promise, someway, somehow, but right now you can forget about me. Even if it will hurt me deeply and scar me. I can't hold you down.
Your spirit was made to fly. Away from oaks and saddening lullabies.
I love you Tinkerbell, please remember, but I think for now. Neverland will be a never.
Kim zzz...9:42 PM
slip into the night...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Pizzicato 5 and The Little Prince
I love this song! Haha, makes me wanna dance yet again. Haha! (oo na Jami! get ko na!)
This song brings back wild memories of my grade school life and I could never be happier. Haha, yes, I know its in Japanese but I don't care, its such a fun, youthful and very ecstatic song! Something I would never, ever, ever, ever wanna remove from my system! Eve if I'm in my 80's I'll still be dancing to this. I am in love with the song!
Why am I so ecstatic? Well, I jsut got reminded of my youth that's all, not that I'm already THAT old or old enough to do so, but people, revently, grow up faster than that is natural or required to them. Its sad, but its a fact. Why I reached this thought? Thanks again to the Little Prince's grown-ups and mine as well.
I was sitting in the car durig our trip home from Tagaytay and they were talking about how young they were before now they're turning 48, 45, and goes on the years. One thing I noticed, is that, even them, they admit to doing things they scold and lecture us on now. They make it sound so fun, as how we see it now, but when they lecture us, they make us feel like its a sin. Everything changes as we grow older. Everything becomes more complicated, everything becomes a 'matter of consequence' and everything becomes everything else.
Yes, they have a point, the things we do, we might regret them in our 30's or 40's but right now, I'm not regretting anything. I'm young, youthful and I'm NOT IN MY 30's! I'll regret them in your time, but I'll censure them in mine. I'll make sense out of it later, I'll do nonesense now. That's how my life is, don't make me have meaning from it now.
My life does havea meaning: my meaning, my definition.
Everything Deserves a Toast!
I'll toast to the sunset, it makes me feel life.
I'll toast to the bees, they make me feel pain.
I'll toast to the stars, they make me feel God.
I'll toast to the trees, they show me beauty.
I'll toast to the birds, they are my freedom.
I'll toast to the open road, it reminds me of my future.
I'll toast to my hair, its my crowning glory!
I'll toast to my body, its my cozy blanket.
I'll toast to my friends, who have not forgotten their childhood.
I'll toast to you, who find sense in my ramblings.
I'll toast to you once more, who deserve to live freely
Life is a road travelled in different cars, but I'm riding my bike. The sights are too beautiful to pass up, and whenever I need to, I could always stop and smell the roses, without opening any complicated doors.
Kim zzz...7:27 AM
slip into the night...
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Plain and Simple
Okay, I'll just put it plain and simple for this entry. (I don't want it frilly. Haha.)
It all came down to just this. I guess that's it. It must have been the ensalada. Haha. I hate dinners.
Wait, there's a new storm on the way? Oh no! Please no! Huhu!
This rain is just too annoying, too annoying. Just like people with a lot of fucking BS.
I just don't like it when people start to go pretending again, either that or this is the only time that I'm founding out who that person is. Oh well, who am I to argue or judge? We're not that close anyway. So I'll just let that happen, but why people do that, is beyond me.
I have a few theories, maybe its because they think people will accept them even more when they let these people see how 'cool' they're acting or how 'classy' they can get. I don't know, but acceptance is nothing but a social by-line. It's just unconsciously implied. No matter how hard you say you hate conformity, somehow and somewhere inside you you're thinking of where to get that new shirt your cool classmate is wearing and how to get that funky new 'Paris Hilton -ish' accent that the anorexic girl in your class is spitting around. It's just a matter of knowing who you are, not who they want you to be.
YOu can't go around deceiving people about these things, when it comes to crunch time, they'll know you're just pretending and for them to see that is just destructive to you altogether. Period.
I don't understand why people need to keep up with social standards as to keep themselves happy. They want to lose weight just to be liked by that girl who every one loves. They want to start being loud just because loud is the only thing noticeable. They want to act like Paris Hilton because she's the biggest thing. Suddenly the world revolved on NOT being yourself, and NOT being yourself Is being yourself. Confusing, I know, but that's how I see it.
I'm not saying I'm not guilty of trying to be the hottest thing, I have to admit I fell into that pit, but some people go all out. I don't know. This sucks.
Well, regarding my first statement. All I said had nothing to do with it. Haha.
Out of the loop.
Kim zzz...11:49 PM
slip into the night...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Madonna, Wi-Fi and WWE
Hm, so here we are.
I have to much to post but I don't know where to start. Okay.. requests first...
I went to the WWE SMACKDOWN SURVIVOR SERIES TOUR! Hahahaha! My blog so feminine, the writer? Not too feminine. Hahaha.
It was so great to watch! Shoot! I got to see and EXPERIENCE the UNDERTAKER!! I love it! I just love it!
I don't know how to give a blow by blow account but Ill try.
Mr. Kennedy went out in his usual pompous way and started bagging on Pacquiao (Pakeeyaw as he would say it. haha) and every Filipino was like 'Boo!' and after that the Undertaker went out and started kicking his ass! Yo!
At some point, Chavo Guererro went out and whenever he would move, people would shout 'Eddie, Eddie!'
(Oops, I need to go shopping! Will edit this post when I get back! Toodles!)
So that was my WWE experience. (I'm not good with blow by blows)
Now, Wi-Fi. Hmm, well. Dad installed this wireless router in our house and now every where is a hot spot. Well, every where in our house that is. Haha. Makes it fun really, and at DSL speed too. Hihi, I love my laptop. :P
I found myself totally bored the other day and nothing to download from Limewire. (All thanks to my two great guitar playing buddies who gave me undecent advice. Huhu!)
I really couldn't find anything that was suitable for my mood. John Mayer was getting too much of kudos from me. I just had to knock him out, and The Killers was the perfect answer.
Well, nothing to pure to say here. Nothing as deep as the other entries. All I have are random ramblings here. Maybe next time I'll have a real entry, but, till then?
Kim zzz...5:33 PM
slip into the night...
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Look at this:
It's been a while since I last sat down here. Its been too long since I last saw the blue sky hold host to the dancing clouds. The soft crisp ocean wind blew through my hair and soothed my anxieties, my anxieties where my faith grew faint. I gazed at the long smooth carpet laid before the waters, the shore were amazing as they glistened along with the blue body. I closed my eyes and listened to the waves crash on the rocky cliffs that hung over me. I dug my feet into the warm sand and breathed in the salty taste of the sea. I have forgotten how this all felt.
They called my name again, pulling me back to reality. I didn't listen. I didn't want to. Why should I? If I come back there, it will be the ruin of me, so I disappeared. I let the dropping water from the cave walls drown out the sound of the material world. I disappeared. I let my ears be deafened by the sound of the breaking waves of the ocean as they hit the entrance of where I was. I disappeared. I felt the sand underneath my feet as they pull me closer to the sea. I disappeared. I let the water come over me as I close my eyes in a surrender. I disappeared. I let the sea pull me into its warm embrace. I disappeared. I floated down into the welcoming sea bed as it blanketed me in with its wild currents. I disappeared. I breathed in the water. I disppeared.
I know, most of you grew confused with what I wrote down here. Its not the exact same thing, but I wrote something down during INTFILO yesterday and this is a replica of it.
That's how I feel right now. I just want to lay down somewhere where its quiet and the bother of worldy things won't get in my way. I want to lay down and think about what I should do about my life. There are so many things that I did wrong, so many things I did right, but I still don't know which is really which.
I've made a mistake about something and I want to fix it, but was it really a mistake? To say how I felt? Maybe it was... HAha, I'm laughing at myself right now. I find it funny that I did something so unplanned. Something where there is no hope for redemption or to save my face. I guess that's it. What I tell people finally caught up with me. 'Do things with no restrictions. Look onto no future. Live for today.' Haha, well I did it and I guess am regretting it now, but I shouldn't be. I have to look on on ahead for what I did.
Its 3:18 pm and still no message. I guess there's my answer. I deserve. He was caught off-guard.
"I didn't do it to hurt you, not on purpose. I was pretending to be anythin nor was I pretending to anything. I was genuine. I hope you get better."
Kim zzz...2:31 PM
slip into the night...
Friday, October 20, 2006
Plato and the Rest
This I love the most.
I went to school today. Just in time for lunch at Plato and INTFILO. Hahaha, I love the feeling of sitting down and playing pusoy dos with my friends. One day without it makes me feel so bored and empty. Hahaha, yeah, cards addict, I know.
Well, what happened today? Well, I got around to palm reading again, which I haven't done in a while. Its all for a good cause anyway. My friend needed the help. :)
I fixed up my blog. hahahaha. I am just so happy. hehehe. Though its not really my hard work per se. Hey, I still made it.
Well, what else...
I found myself staring dead at the floor again earlier during INTFILO. No, it wasn't because of the topic. Unlike other people, I find INTFILO very interesting. Actually, I didn't know why. I was thinking of one person, but I didn't know who. I just can't put my finger on it. No, I can't even say I was thinking of a person. I was just thinking. That's it.
I've been doing that quite often now. Its making my life rather a bit more complicated than it should be. I thought things would go well, but lo and behold, they won't. Its a matter of knowing I guess and that's where I need help. I wish someone could read my palm too so I'd konw what to do. I just need the proper guidance. I really do.
"To doubt something is an affirmation to its existence....When you doubt, you exist"
I like this quote. It contradicts itself but it proves so many a thing. Its like, we're only deceiving ourself to the fact that we do not want to believe, but its right there, exisitng. Why we doubt is in perfect human nature. We try and shield ourselves from what we do not understand or even comprehend. We just want to be free from anything that will pre-occupy our minds with fear, anxiety or any other negative emotions. This is why we falter into doubt, but doubt isn't just for this purpose. I believe it has many other reasons, like the ones doubting.
We want to know more about this thing that we do not understand, therefore we doubt it. We do not want to jsut be simply caught into its non complexities, thats why we doubt it. I don't know why, but we doubt continuously even if we know we will wait and look so hard for the answer that might never come. I'mbeginning to understand why we lose hope at times. With all our lingering doubts, with all our worries and fears. We lose hope.
So sad, yes, but its a fact. Its what's happening to me right now and I can't accept it. I want to be sure, but I can't have it. I want to hold and grasp the reality with my own two hands but I cant..
I'm holding on still to what might be my future. I just hope there is. I miss the good old days where things weren't so complex and that what was said was said and that was it. Now we have a lot of hidden things we use to hurt people or ourselves.
Well, I guess that's it...
Soundtrack: Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer
Kim zzz...6:36 PM
slip into the night...
Monday, October 16, 2006
Ooh, after so long?
Oh my, hahaha.
I haven't been going here for a while. It seems like blogging is just so boring nowadays for me. Not that I dont have much to write down, its just that, you know, it gets dragging. Haha.
Okay, quick update of my life...ready? game.
1) I was appointed LA Chairperson of the LA Core of FAST 2006. (thanks Anne and Al)
2) I got a driver's licence(SP?) (yeah!)
3) I was almost DL. Like 0.something close. huhuhu!
4) I became president of our PE class. (Boo-hoo for me huh? Ronda takes too too too much pride)
5) I'm now using a new laptop. oh yeay!
6) Our FAST2006 had out BSB launch last Friday and it was such a success! It's so great!
Hahaha, these people are just so great! Krizzie did a good job and the performances were just hilarious! (Thanks na lang Al diba? hahaha!)
Well, I dont know what else to put down here. I'll think about the rest if I can make this longer. hahaha.
See you guys!
Kim zzz...9:42 PM
slip into the night...
He Says, She Says
Lights will guide me home... I'm alright... I'll fix you...